Romeo X Juliet parody episode 22
Juliet is angsting over her destiny when Tybalt appears.
Tybalt: Juliet, I must have some kind of plot role to justify my existence- therefore I must insist that I be the one to kill Montague.
Juliet: Hatred and anger is wrong- the only way out of this situation is for me to become WOOD.
Juliet: Yes- and so I won’t be here to give Romeo STRAIGHT. Could you perhaps educate him in the ways of HARD GAY?
(Tybalt: Oh great- just what I wanted to hear.)
Juliet: Well, I’m off to become WOOD now…yes, I’m just on my way…don’t try to stop me…unless of course you really want to…I’m going now…in just a moment I’ll be gone for good…
Tybalt: See you.
Meanwhile, Romeo visits Portia.
Romeo: Hello Mother, I’m just off to kill Father.
Portia: Romeo, that isn’t a very heroic thing to do, is it? Why not let an unredeemable character like Tybalt do it instead?
Romeo: I probably won’t actually do it, of course, but it’s important for the hero to at least show up at the final boss battle.
Romeo leaves. Back home, Juliet dresses in red armour.
Emilia: Hey Juliet, I hope you’re not finished dressing as Odin- I like you best that way.
Cordelia: Why would she need to cross-dress now that everyone knows she’s a woman?
Emilia: I thought she was doing it for Pleasure reasons.
Juliet goes out to address her troops.
Juliet: Generics, go forth and spend your HP so I don’t have to!
Juliet and her allies have group HORSE on the way to Neo Verona Keep. Meanwhile, various denizens of the keep are fleeing.
Soldier: Shouldn’t we be doing something evil like killing them?
Tubal: What’s the point? The series is almost over and we’re bound to lose anyway. Let’s just put our feet up and collect our paycheque at the end of it.
Whilst everyone runs away, Mercutio drags himself along the corridors.
Mercutio: All I ever wanted was to be an important character! Now both generics and main characters hate me, and I have nowhere to go!
Meanwhile, Montague continues to sit in his villain’s chair.
(Montague: I regret nothing- if I had my time again, I would do everything exactly the same! Except this time, I wouldn’t let even a single grapevine escape my notice!)
Tybalt: I’m here to initiate the pointless pre-final boss battle in which I must inevitably lose!
Montague: And, er, who are you again?
Tybalt: Montague- you are my father!
Meanwhile, Juliet and her allies confront Tubal and the Keep soldiers.
Juliet: We wanted to fight you, but to be honest we don’t have the time or budget for that now, so can we just skip to the part where you surrender to us?
Tubal: Yeah, sure, why not?
Tubal opens the Keep gates for Juliet and her increasingly badly drawn allies to enter. In the throne room, Romeo walks in as Tybalt attacks Montague.
Tybalt: Go away! I’m going to kill him!
Romeo: No way- I should be the one to kill him!
Montague: Damn you, grape lovers!
Juliet and the others enter.
Conrad: Wait a moment- save some for us!
Juliet: Everyone, he’s a boss and not worth any EXP! Let’s just exile him so that he can make up some evil schemes for the sequel- RxJ II: Montague Strikes Back.
Montague: I thought that, with a strong enough will, I could eradicate grapes, but it was not to be.
Montague swings his sword but does not strike anything. Then, from out of nowhere, Mercutio appears to stab him from behind with a poisoned grape juice soaked dagger.
Mercutio: This is the only way I can ensure that everyone remembers me!
(Romeo: Oh no- a random stranger just showed up and stabbed my father!)
Montague: I can feel the grape juice entering my body…it burns…
Mercutio: I did it! I’m a hero!
Tybalt: I don’t know who you are, but get out- this gathering is for named characters only.
Mercutio wanders away, laughing maniacally.
Montague: Why did things turn out this way? Where did I go wrong?
To be continued…